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Wedding Ideas & Inspiration
Engagement period For Muslims – Is there a problem? – Sayed Mahdi Modarresi

Engagement period For Muslims – Is there a problem? – Sayed Mahdi Modarresi


There is really no reason to keep that personna to keep wearing the mask. And that’s where the problems start creep into the relationship. What about extended periods of engagement. Will, that solves the problem? Will, that allows us to know each other? So as to minimize any surprises later on and down the road. The answer is No. Again you would think that is the desired result. That you are going to get but that’s not the case. Why? I would like to refer to the engagement period in general weather extended or short. Engagement phases are the biggest deception ever. Who are you trying to fool? Are you kidding me? Who acts like themselves when they are engaged? Don’t you hold yourself to a very high level of excellence when
you’re engaged to someone. The way you conduct yourself the way you dress the
way you talk. How you are such an attentive compassionate listener when
you’re out there having dinner at a restaurant. Whereas as soon as you get
married and tie the knot, that’s what they say right. They say you want
problems to start, get married right as long as you’re engaged you do not reveal
your true colors and the same goes for your spouse, the same goes for your
fiance, nobody reveals their true colors during those sweet beautiful days and
nights that you spend together as an engaged couple. As soon as you get
married you let yourself go as soon as you get married. That’s the point
where you don’t really feel a necessity to keep up that act of being the
gentleman who always opens the door for his fiancee and what not. Suddenly you see
yourself as an equal and suddenly you see yourself you feel comfortable in
being married now you’ve tied the knot. You’ve recited the contract you’ve
thrown that big wedding there really is no reason to keep up that persona to
keep wearing that mask and that’s when problems start to creep into the
relationship. So extended periods of engagement do they solve the problem? The answer is an emphatic no as a matter of fact I would argue that extended periods
of engagement act to the detriment of the relationship. They make it worse. Why
for a number of reasons one of them is because again you’re wearing a mask that
whole time you just hold yourself to a much higher standard than you really are
and so when the mask drops you reveal your true self. You become really
comfortable and at that point the hypocrisy will be a lot more. Well for
lack of a better term. The contrast let’s say not hypocrisy, the contrast between
the premarital you and the post-marital you will be a lot more discernible a lot
clearer to detect and so you’re gonna start thinking hang on a second you
weren’t like that when we’re engaged for like three years. You weren’t like that?
You’ve never said this you always did that and now look at you today so that’s
the first reason. The second reason I think extended periods of engagement act to the detriment and the disadvantage of a successful marriage is because while
you’re engaged you’re not technically right? And because you’re not married
that is that essentially you’re giving Shaitaan a window. You’re giving him an
opportunity to attack this prospective Union that is about to take place. This
marriage that is about to happen you’re giving him a window
you’re like a sitting duck you’re saying here we are. We want to get married but
we’re not quite committed to it yet. We’ve still got a few issues to sort out
you’re letting the shaitan, inviting the shaitan on to come and destroy that
relationship. Whereas when you tie the knot
you’ve already declared to the shaitan that you’re no longer welcome. You’re
telling the shaitan I am fully committed to this relationship and so
you close that window. It doesn’t mean that the Shaitaan is gonna stop trying
but you’ll make his job just much much more difficult so extended periods of
engagement not recommended whatsoever. Make it as short as possible. I’m not
saying you shouldn’t get to know the individual I’m not saying that you
shouldn’t look under the hood I’m not saying that you shouldn’t you know see
what she looks like or see what he looks like I’m not saying
that. In fact we have religious provisions for those circumstances what
do you wish to see your wife before getting married if you’re out there
actively looking for a wife you don’t want to go on a blind date, or a blind
marriage you want to see what your wife looks like you don’t want any surprises.
You don’t want that extra toe you don’t want that massive mole on the nose. You
so you want to know what she looks like and whether she ticks the boxes that’s
fine that’s actually permitted in Islam. There are provisions there are legal
frameworks that allow you to see more than what you
ordinarily see in terms of the rules of Mahram and Non Mahran. So by all means
take your time even if it takes three days to get to know your spouse. I’m just
kidding you could go on for a whole week if you
want but that’s really all you need to know. You need to pick up the basics you
need to you know how sometimes they say that there and there are many books
about that one of them by Malcolm Gladwell Blink. Right the whole idea is
that sometimes all it takes is a few seconds of interaction before you make
up your mind about someone. Right that’s really all it takes. The rest of it are
details the rest of it are things that you really don’t want to invest too
heavily into for the purposes of marriage. Right
those little quirks that a person has those tiny habits whether good or bad
these things really shouldn’t have any massive bearing on the success rate of a
prospective marriage right. So get to know them have a few conversations if
you insist but really don’t extend the period of engagement.

12 comments found

  1. I don’t see why you need any more than 1 year to see someone’s character. Deal breaker character traits tend to start throwing up red flags within 6-12 months in my experience. If you know what to look for and you trust your gut.

  2. Excellent advice. Another thing I’d like to add is keep an eye out for red flags and take them very seriously.

  3. If spouses are really looking for proper match for themselves for successful life then they can extend this period as long as required before reaching a decision. Come on……Go and look the culture of qum and parts of Mashhad & views of great ulema specially in family matters, they emphasis more on engagement period.

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  5. I had a nikkah and my rukhsati wasn’t done for 6 months. I saw many signs such as after a month he would talk with disrespect tell me that I need to change myself to accommodate his holier than thou Pakistani family even though I grew up in Canada with excellent morals and upbringing. Just because I was born here I wasn’t good enough but my Canadian citizenship was why I was chosen. All the signs were there that my marriage was a big mistake but because of fear of what people would say and especially fear of being alone. I dragged this relationship for 20 years. my husband act like a gentleman in front of outsiders but speaks horribly with his wife and kids at home. He was taught one thing by his family and that is blood relations comes before your wife and even yr kids.

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