Tj Host

Wedding Ideas & Inspiration
Marriage Ministry and Money Real Talk

Marriage Ministry and Money Real Talk


I am excited to be here this morning are
you excited I’m excited daddy’s had way too much caffeine and thanks for being
here on off-script with Debbie we have another great episode today and I’m
excited for this episode I’m excited for our speaker we have because it’s all
about mr. and mrs. in ministry um the hashtag was added by younger people on
my creative team I would have never said this because I am sleeping with the
pastor dis things wrong but if you’re the pastor’s wife you should be okay
that’s I put that outfit if you’re not we need to get you some help okay so but
today we’re gonna talk about ministry we’re gonna talk about communication
yeah oh I know you’re all here because you’re needing it and you wish your
husbands worry they aren’t here there or here but you wish your husbands were
here and we could also let them watch this leader and that will help them but
you know I always try to remember when I hear something good I need to take it
myself first before I think of everyone else that needs it
but I have something to ask you in the audience what a question I found this
and I thought this is an interesting thing who has a better relationship do
you think with their spouses pastors with money or pastors that struggle with
money and don’t have money okay so who do you think I mean I’m just thinking if
you have money you have no problems right so how many think if you have
money it’s not bad how many think if you don’t have money you communicate better
you guys are so good where have I been there Ambar de Barna did a research in
2017 it said this financial constraints can be a relational burden however
pastors with leaner resources tend to report a straw
longer connection with their spouse maybe they have to talk more because
they have no money you know maybe that that I don’t know and those who receive
a lower salary are more likely than those who are financially better off to
be satisfied in their marriages I’m gonna shop I’m just thinking I should
have known this when we had no money you know that might have helped
83% of those earning less than 40,000 a year rate their marital satisfaction is
excellent so all of you that are poor right now are going we are a great
marriage right you know early on a marriage my husband I have been pastors
for many years and when we started off in ministry I will say the financial
thing was hard for me and we’re going to talk about different parts of
communication today in marriage but one area we’re gonna hit us finances and I
struggled with that I found for me personally my personality who I am my
happiness dependent on how much was in my checking account it really did and I
struggled with that and I realized being in ministry and really living a life of
faith I needed to get control of that because sometimes there might be many
but other times there might not might not be many and I really it was a
spiritual moment with me with Jesus in prayer and I said I don’t wanna be bound
up anymore by these feelings and control I don’t want finances to control my
emotions and I really just prayed about it and the Lord just set me free I have
to be on his head set me free where my husband’s say you know we’re not gonna
pay we’re gonna pay the staff but we’re gonna have to wait a week to get paid
before that would have been like just like died and gone out and bought Mac
rain cheese for the week but instead I would go oh okay I’ll pray with you
about it it’s gonna be okay it just changed and it wasn’t me but it was
Christ in me that helped me change and you know what happened from that amazing
miracles happen in my life and I remember one that was huge we had two
daughters and you know you want your daughters to have good teeth because you
wanted to get married later on and leave the home and they need to find someone
so due to some situations they had inherited not great teeth from their
mother and my one daughter need braces and we figured out we could do the
monthly but we needed $800 now and we didn’t
happen that was like a thousand bucks and we started praying and that week the
UPS man scraped the side of my car now he comes over to me he goes I don’t want
to put this on my insurance can you get it where do what do you do with the car
when you have to Oeste mated how much it is and I’ll just write you a check
I guess yours not supposed to do that but I did that because I was in a small
town in you trust everyone even the UPS man and so I said okay so we got it
estimated he wrote me a check for $800 now you’re saying but you have this bad
scratch no my husband wiped it out you never knew it was a ten year old man had
lots of scratches you never knew we took that 800 from the UPS man we put it down
on her braces and she did go to Northwest and she found a husband and
she’s married today so but you know those little things where some people
say oh it just happened no I believe God blessed us in special ways as we had
faith in Him and gave our finances to him so I’m just excited today to talk
about communication and marriage to talk about finances I have an amazing guest I
can’t wait for you to meet her so let’s get excited right now because I want you
meet dr. Renee Bardo from Northwestern University who’s going to teach us a lot
about unity with our spouse I am so excited to introduce you to my
friend she was one of my guest professors in a class I took at
Northwestern University and the minute she walked in the room I fell in love
with her because I get a little bored in class and when she walked in within ten
seconds she was all over the room she was excited to be there and I’m like oh
my word I didn’t need to go get a Starbucks this is gonna be great
you were delightful so I want to introduce you to dr. Renee Bordeaux ya a
Northwest University and I want to make sure I get this right so I’m gonna let
you know what she does she has a PhD in communications from North Dakota State
University she’s an assistant professor of communications in the Communication
Studies department at Northwestern University and there’s something more
exciting about it her passion lies in researching
positivity and resilience in relationships you’ve been researching
relationships for quite a while she looks young but she’s an old soul and
what are some of the challenges married couples face regarding their
communication well so a lot of research looks at our Mariners are complicating
we’re living in a busy world and busyness is actually one of the first
things that we see happening because we have all these things and we’re over
scheduled and we have schedules on our phones now right and so there is a lot
of research that’s saying we’re really busy and that’s starting to take a toll
on our relationships and I actually have a colleague who does this really fun
research she actually looks at Christmas letters that you know you write to
somebody else and say hey this is how busy my family is and do you read those
when people send them to you for the most no I mean they’re 20 pages long
yeah I try write and you look in you scheme right but it’s like you’re
reading the newspaper times and so you you really want to but
so her research looks at all of the ways we talk about busyness and our
relationships and so busyness is something and you know so with that I
mentioned schedules on our phones technology is another
challenge that we’re facing today because it changes I think every time I
think I figured out my phone there’s a new app or or my children are like mom
like I would never use that and so I’m like well I don’t even know what to do
and so with our relationships because it changes so fast we don’t know if it’s
helping our marriages or hurting our marriages or a little of both so a lot
of research is looking at that but my favorite what you’ve said that I look at
one of the the problems that we have is talking about money
and you know arguments about money researchers says if you argue about
money in your relationship it actually impacts your relationship worse than any
other kind of fight that you can have so when you’re fighting about money you
didn’t like worse than sex well I I mean I don’t know the research says I know
that’s not personal information for me that’s from someone I was mentoring
talked about that yes so and more than any other kind of argument research says
all the arguments you can have money is the one that that’s what do you agree
audience okay and what gets worse than that for me because I study like well
how can we keep them strong are you about money leads to divorce those
fights lead to divorce more than any other kind of it’s a predictor of
divorce so we need to figure out how do we do those better so busyness
technology all of those things that are all challenges for our communication if
we want to keep our marriages so when I attended one of your sessions you talked
about strategies for having successful financial conversations with your spouse
and that’s what helped me out so much I remember you said something about
prepping as a team mm-hmm can you share that with the audience I’d love them to
get that insight that I felt helped me so much so prepping as a team at so and
maybe I should set the stage for your like why this became so I mean I knew
what’s a problem right and I was I have been married for it’s almost 18 years
now to a wonderful person but is amazing as our marriages that’s still the one
conversation that I always felt why do I insane Debbie was sharing with me to her
story like you feel this twinge of uncomfortability right when you’re
having those Congress and so I wanted to know like well how
can we do this better and clearly there are people doing it well because I hear
conversations from friends all the time and so largely the research didn’t look
at all about how to have good conversations they said all of the
research said thoughts these are the things are going terrible there wasn’t a
lot that was telling us how do we have money conversations well they weren’t
being proactive right so so I knew I needed to kind of ask people what was
going on in order to discover anything right and so I wanted to know by stories
cuz I don’t know about you all like I don’t learn a lot by reading a list of
statistics or like on a scale of one to ten eight like what is that yeah and so
I actually asked couples when you’re talking about money how does your spouse
make you feel how do you talk about money like what are they saying
specifically that makes you feel good what are you saying that makes them
smile like tell me about remember a good conversation you’ve had delve into it
yeah so prepping is a team the thing you mentioned is one of the first things I
discovered so I’ve listened to all those stories and I had stories from couples
all over the country and so they were telling me before you even get to the
conversation like before it starts before you open your mouths before you
even schedule a time right you have to make some preparations together as a
team and it’s usually not one person pulling all of the weight together you
need to decide to make some decisions so you can enter into that almost like when
you’re going to work right you don’t show up to give a presentation and never
had to put any work into the presentation so prepping as a team is
important and what that means practically like well how can I do that
schedule that’s a super simple and this was huge for me she’s like you schedule
your meetings and not right after you’ve paid your bills and I was like oh that’s
always when we talk no wonder I’m stressed out that was huge for me like
oh schedule like a time when we’re not you know upset or we’re not tired you
shouldn’t do it at midnight yeah you know you said go somewhere fun I
remember you said if you’re gonna set up a budget go somewhere find your favorite
restaurant with your computer and like really I never thought of that what you
always do it in my office and I’m it’s midnight I mean that was like oh that
was it was like preparing was huge for me and it’s awesome if you see my
husband and I out and about it a cute date night we usually have our
computer with because we’re talking about our budget but that’s our plan you
always do that do you ever have dates without the budget we do oh my god help
you out there honey okay okay but but scheduling right and so a rigid it like
I always wanted to know on the last day of the month where are we at going into
the next month and you know if he had a busy work day or it’s like that’s not
the most efficient time so if we could schedule time to be able to do that that
was great there was an interesting one in this preparing as a team though that
I I would definitely need to point out so there was the when you’re preparing
and you’re planning and you’re doing your research I found advice helped or
hurt and but they had to decide together and here’s what I mean so first of all
if you decide that you trust your parents you trust your siblings your
neighbor your pastor and you want to talk to them you decide together we’re
gonna seek outside counsel but there was a large group about half of the people
said yes we’re gonna decide together we’re gonna consult other people but
they’re about the other half are like no no no no we never ever talk about budget
with anybody else outside of our unit and that is our agreement but we’ve made
that agreement together so you can see the stress that can happen if they’ve
made this agreement but somebody talks to mom so this proposed I was like we’ve
all done that one other thing you tell me is to take off the wife hat and put
on the budget hat because we go into it more like a wife husband mm-hmm you just
bring some of those emotions with you too like he didn’t tell you look cute
the night before so I’m bringing that emotion in with me you know instead of
just oh now I have my budget hat on that kind of lays out those other emotions
and puts them away that was huge for me that was just a real I mean all of you
are going don’t you know that but for me that was great practical advice because
I think I took more into the financial discussion than just the budget yes and
I was hearing from a lot of couples when they were doing the schedule it was
really like a job right they were saying this is our thirty minutes we’re going
all-in for 30 minutes and we’re only doing budget like I don’t want to hear
about your cousins nephews brother’s birthday party web plan for like none of
those things we just need to do the budget and get out
isn’t that great advice I don’t know about you but that was huge for me
you also said about you have to have your head in the game mm-hmm so that was
kind of a beautiful thing that I discovered as well from talking to the
couples so preparing as a team seemed a logical thing for me when I think about
a partnership with my husband yes we’re gonna work together to accomplish this
budget but then the next step basically said okay now that you’ve come together
you’ve been planned phille together now it’s kind of on you and getting your
head in the game means I have to be in a space where I’m ready to talk about it I
need to be able to be focused and when I’m not if I can’t be focused I need to
be able to hit the pause button and you need to be able to say that this is not
a great day like I’ve got 14 email staring you in the face and it’s
stressful and something bad happened are a bunch of problem happening at work and
I have to address it oh yeah did you know she started to go uh you were
thinking about that like what yeah it’s stressing you out right now instead if
you get your head in the game that means I can’t be empathetic I can’t be focused
I can’t I can’t be rational mm-hmm yeah I don’t know about you all but I’ve been
known to spontaneously burst into tears under stress so like if I can’t be
rational that’s also not going to help and I have to be focused and now because
we have this rule my husband and I know if this isn’t gonna work
hitting pause doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about it it doesn’t mean that
I’m mad at you it means this is not a good time in my
head if you can see all this you can see my head you would not want to do it I
like the curtain till tomorrow but part of that preparing as a team which you
fall back on that is okay then if this isn’t gonna work
when are we scheduling again mm-hmm and I was such great advice I think for me
and that I it was for me learning to give my husband that letting HAMP saying
is would this be a good time because we set the time but I didn’t know what
happened at the office I didn’t know the email he just got he doesn’t share
everything because he doesn’t feel I need
yeah burden with everything but I could see he’d be a little kind of like he was
trying he cause he’s still kind I have the best husband and he is so kind so he
would sit down because we’ve got the schedule and he’s a scheduler but I kind
of go is your head not in the game and he goes she know what I just had this
really fatty email and I think I just need to work through that and I’d say
okay let’s reschedule and that was huge but before we would have got into it and
I would have thought he’s not really into it you know and I would have put
blame there that didn’t need to go there and this way it just gives us both that
you know I need to re schedule my head’s not in the game and like you said not
putting blame not you know just being able to do that was I just think great I
mean everything you said encouraged me and helped me and I kind of thought I
had my act together so if you had lat one last word of encouragement to
pastors wives that are out there and they’re like ooh we’ve never even done a
budget if you you know if they were all looking for pace you could tell she’s a
budget girl she’s like hey I would do it okay let’s go back um if you wanted to
encourage a minister’s wife and Justin creature let’s say she’s struggling
she’s listening to us right now and she’s like wow I just don’t know if I
can detach my emotions from it how would you encourage her was one thing she
could do well I look forward if the one thing I would say and this is this is
maybe a non-answer answer maybe not exist it’s gonna sound confusing but
hang with me first okay so everyone hang in the list I had of all the things
couples talked about was like 24 things right that’s a lot and I don’t know
about you all but I can barely keep track of two things at once and so this
long list of things means there is a delicate balance to this puzzle that
works between the two of us in a way that might not work today and so next
time I need to try something different and together we need to try something
different and eventually we’re gonna find that right combination of what
works within our married partnership to be able to make it work and I have been
there I have been there in those conversations and
to look my husband in the face and know I love him so much but feel like
breaking down on the inside because money is stressing me out like we need
money to put braces to eat like a million and a half things and so to be
able to say okay this didn’t work today okay we’re gonna try something different
next time because we are in this together you know God has a plan for us
working through this and sometimes there’s beauty in that mess right we’re
learning about each other and the things that aren’t working and we’re continuing
to try things to make it better so but I so appreciate everything that you’ve
said I know that it’s going to encourage pastors wives I know it will and I just
um thank you for being here if nothing else you helped me so you know like I
said hey but I know many will be encouraged by what you have to say and
thank you for doing the research I know God led you in that because I truly feel
that it’s a gift that you are giving to others now to really help them
understand that finances doesn’t have to be that scary thing that none of us want
to talk about but it can be that thing that really draws us closer to our
husband and helps our marriage be even better so let’s give a great hand to
doctor thank you thank you it was that not
great did you guys learn stuff I learned even more I need to work harder the
whole head in the game thing I need to work a little bit more on so that was
awesome so I have a fun activity day I have picked one person that I knew you
were gonna be here and I called your husband and I asked
for questions of him and I’m gonna see how good your communication is with your
husband if you know the answers so Judy Collins I have four questions I asked
your husband Scott Scott and I were in a cohort together and went to a college
together so I knew I could connect met with him and call him and he wouldn’t
think it was weird some of your other husbands by the way is Debbie calling me
so I’m I call them and asking for questions now if you get three we’re
gonna give her three okay if you didn’t – right wouldn’t even let you win this
but your choice of what you get to win is either a $50 cheesecake factory gift
cards is this awkward no don’t be awkward or hamburger helper so here you
hold these just so you can kind of know what you might get to win okay are you
ready yeah so let’s see how good your communication is with your husband so I
asked your husband this question who is more likely to spend money you are your
husband oh she got that right he said he didn’t hesitate
sorry so what is the most expensive gift you’ve ever bought your husband
it’s gonna be one of two things okay well pick one pick one just pick one
well a few years ago we were going on a vacation and I surprised him with a trip
to Cozumel so that he could go diving and that’s it that was it you are good
yeah that was expensive are you glad you did it okay we can pick up an offering
afterwards to help defray your costs but I’m glad you did that no he that was the
first thing he said okay so here’s another one if your husband could buy
any big vehicle he wanted what would he buy any vehicle why she’s thinking think
would you know that answer have you communicated do you not talk we need to
talk more than about budgets it’s an animal it’s an animal Oh help me out
here oh no it’s not jack well I don’t know
what this is it’s a cam and Spyder is that a motorcycle see yes that would be what he because
he’s been looking at those especially because I’m a Harley girl those are not
really motorcycles anyway they’re like I wanna be okay
oh we will edit that out don’t worry about it okay so that’s what he said he
would like last question so you only missed one but you got two right but
let’s go for the last and really kill it here so what did your husband say you
would buy if money was no object I would probably want to go someplace with our
whole family and take care of all the expenses we are like kindred spirits
aren’t we I know that’s my love I love that yeah yes I pick a place because
you’re right you’re right he did say this but he picked a place okay okay we
would go to Euro Disney probably Europe he said a vacation to Europe I’m like
that oh my okay honey you get the hamburger helper and you so ladies what a fun time we touch today
talking about mr. and mrs. and ministry I am sleeping with the pastor I want to
thank you for being here and I have a scripture to leave with you it’s found
an ecclesiastic 7-eleven it says wisdom is even better when you have money did
you know that scriptures and then Bible but both are benefit you as you go
through life and I thought about that with finances with communication we need
to have finances and it’s okay to have money but let’s use it wisely let’s
communicate about it and let’s be a team as mr. and mrs. and ministry so I do
have a little something for some of you because I’m as we were doing this I know
some of you were sweating and I know the whole talking about finances has hard on
some of you so I have a little mud mask for you to take home it’s gonna relax
you when you get home to eat a little chocolate put on your mud mask and then
schedule an appointment with your husband to talk about the budget thanks
for being here at off-script Abbey

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