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Should I Marry Someone I Don’t Love? | The School of Adam Saleh

Should I Marry Someone I Don’t Love? | The School of Adam Saleh


ADAM:I can’t believe
this is actually happening.
I’m about to have
an arranged marriage. [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] NARRATOR:The School of Life
is sending some of YouTube’s
most popular creators
on a series of field trips,to explore philosophy’s
most intriguing ideas.
This time…♪ Just got home
From Lebanon… ♪
NARRATOR:…Adam Saleh,
the 25-year-old New Yorker,
best known for his hip-hop
flavored music videos
and mischievous pranks…
-[MAN SCREAMS]
-I’ve never heard him scream
like that in my life. NARRATOR:
…is going to ask his family
to find a partner
they think he should spend
the rest of his life with.
With around half of marriages
ending in divorce,
you may as well base
your choice of life partner
on the flip of a coin.
So, when it comes
to choosing who to marry,
is it time to replace love
with logic?
-[SIREN WAILING]
-New York City, where the girls
are looking pretty. -GIRL: Hey!
-Hey! [CHUCKLES] ADAM:I’m 25 years oldand I know nothing
about marriage.
In fact, it scares me.But everyone around me
wants me to get married.
What am I gonna do? [CRICKETS CHIRPING] Here’s a 60-second guide from someone who knows
way more about it than I do.
[SNAPS FINGERS] NARRATOR:A 60-second guide
to marriage.
We think of marriage
as something two people do
when they’ve finally found
the right person
and fallen in love.
But this is based
on a very modern delusion.
For most of history,the idea that marriage
and love had anything
to do with each other
would have been laughed at.Marriage was a transactiondesigned to be beneficial
for children, land and power.
Love was for drama,
excitement and sex.
But in the 1800s,poems and best-selling books
began to promote
a radical new idea,
rebranding marriage
as something
that starry-eyed couples
should only do for love.Even though, as a foundation
for marriage,
love hasn’t been
very successful.
It might even prompt us
to wonder
if expecting marriage
to provide sex and love,
as well as happiness
and material security,
is expecting too much.-[NEIGHS]
-And to ask
if acting on impulse
while blinded by love
really is the cleverest wayof choosing the person
we will be with forever.
Could it be that the future
of marriage
might be found by looking
by looking at a model
which has actually been
very successful
throughout most of our history?ADAM:I’m from Yemen,
so me being 25 and not married
is a big deal.I’m stuck with
my dad and my mom
pressuring me every single daybecause literally everyone
in my family is married, my sisters, my older brother,
my younger brother.For me, marriage is about,
you know, romantic love,
finding the right one
that you wanna be with everyday. But for my parents,
marriage is about, you know,“Oh, you’re a big boy now.”
You know, “You’re married.
“That’s how it should be.”NARRATOR:Adam is part
of the dating app generation.
In a street, in a lounge,people use apps to even,
you know, approach girls, men.
NARRATOR:
But he’s sick of swiping.
No more Tinder,
no more SingleMuslim.com, no more… Instagram,
no more Twitter. NARRATOR:There are 2,500
dating sites in the US alone.
With all that choice on offer,can Adam really say goodbye
to a life of short-lived fun
and focus on finding someone
he might be compatible with
for the long-term?[POPS] [BUZZER SOUNDS] [POPS] [BUZZER SOUNDS] [POPS] [BUZZER SOUNDS] [POPS] [BUZZER SOUNDS] [POPS] [BUZZER SOUNDS] NARRATOR:
Adam’s dad and brother have
decided that the only way to go
is an arranged marriage.IBRAHIM: It’s time
for you to get married. Our parents,
they find a wife for you in an arranged marriage.
It’s good. You know how people these days, they use those app things,
the app. Like, they see something
they don’t like, they swipe up. It’s not respectful for women. People say love at first sight. Sometimes, it doesn’t last long. One month, one year,
they get over it. But, if you let your parent find
a woman for you, it’s better. It’s like, two people meet, they
don’t know each other, okay? You build your relationship. That’s how love is. What if I see her,
and I don’t like her? Like, right away,
I don’t like her. Looks don’t matter. The heart that matter. Good, kind, sweet. [SPEAKING] ADAM: How many kids
do you want me to get? [SPEAKING] Okay, I like that. [CHUCKLES] You want Dad
to see your kids, right? [SPEAKING] My marriage was arranged.
You see me happy? -ADAM: I see you happy.
I do see you happy.
-Okay. I love my wife, my kids,
I’m… I’m happy. And I want you to be happy. Um, sometimes,
I think maybe you got lucky. -I know, I…
-ADAM: The only reason
I’m gonna do this is because I’ve seen it. You know, I’ve seen Tinder
be a big mess, but I’ve seen your marriages, even my dad and you,
you know, be successful. It came out good for me, it came out good for Yusuf. -It’s gonna be perfect for you.
-All right, I guess I’m taking
my phone out, I’m gonna delete all the apps, I’m gonna delete
everything I got. Since you’re telling me
from experience, then I’m ready. I’m ready to,
you know, to do this. [HIP-HOP INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]♪ Hey♪ Hey ♪NARRATOR:Adam has decided
to go ahead with
an arranged marriage.
His family have asked around,
interviewed the candidates,
and finally settled
on a very special person,
who they think
would be ideal for him.
Today, he’s meeting her
for the very first time.
I’m really nervous. Few months ago,
I would have never expected something like this to happen, and now, I’m here.
I’m waiting for my date. I just hope it goes well.It’s really weird not seeing
the person before.
-[DOOR CHIMES OPEN]
-WOMAN: Hi.[WEDDING MARCHPLAYING] -Hi, I’m Noor. Nice to meet you.
-Adam. Nice to meet you. You want
a coffee or something? -Black coffee, no sugar,
no cream.
-No sugar. Oh, that’s good, that’s good. I was just really nervous. It’s my first time meeting you,
so I didn’t know what to expect. -What’s your nationality?
-Palestinian. -Oh, Palestinian, that’s dope.
-Yeah. -That’s sick.
-What about you? -I’m from Yemen, yeah.
-Yemen, okay. -[BOTH SPEAKING ARABIC]
-[BOTH CHUCKLING] -[IN ENGLISH] So,
do you know Arabic or no?
-[IN ENGLISH] Yeah. -You do?
-What about you? [BOTH SPEAKING ARABIC] [ADAM SPEAKING ARABIC] [IN ENGLISH] Nice.
That’s good. I like that.
[CHUCKLES] Do you have any brothers
or sisters? Three older sisters
and two brothers. -Nice, big family.
-You? Uh, just a younger brother. -Just a younger brother?
-Yeah. That’s good. Stress-free. It’s better for me, I think. I being the only child,
it’s better. [LAUGHS] I know, yeah. I feel you. ‘Cause having a big family is…
People, like, love it, -but it’s too much.
-It’s a lot of drama. -Like, when I go back home,
oh, my God.
-Yeah. Yeah, it’s likeKeeping Up
With The Kardashians.
-Even worse.
-[BOTH LAUGH] Can’t believe our moms,
like, knew each other. I know, right? Yeah. I mean, my mom, my dad and
my brother were saying how,
like, you’re the right one. And you’re perfect for me. Yeah? You’re very… You’re not shy. I was worried
if you were gonna be shy. Oh, no, I’m definitely
not shy, so… -That’s good, that’s good.
-[BOTH CHUCKLE] My friends think this is, like,
so weird that we’re doing this. Yeah, they’d be, like,
“What the hell?” That you don’t know each other
and you just got married. Like, it’s backwards, you know? The good thing
about us is, like,
we have the family connection… -Yeah.
-…so we know we have
the compatibility. -Yeah.
-And it’s not only based off,
like, looks…The looks don’t matter.
The heart that matter.
It’s not a decision based off
emotion, it’s based off logic. Yes. Is it weird that I’m
thinking about, like, you know,
our whole future right now? Us growing old together. Is it weird or… [CHUCKLES] I mean… It’s different, but I mean,
it’s… it’s good. -Yeah? [CHUCKLES]
-Yeah. After meeting you, I think
we could be a good match. ADAM:To be honest, if there
wasn’t no connection,
if there wasn’t no,
you know, spark,
I would have been feeling it.But everything has been
going on really, really well.
Like, better than what
I expected.
I’m still kinda nervous. But I’m ready to see
what happens next. NARRATOR:
Couples in arranged marriages
tend to report
higher levels of satisfaction
than those in relationships
founded on desire alone.
It seems surprising,but why wouldn’t reason
provide a more solid basis
for a relationship
than emotion?
After much discussion
and preparation
and further meetings
between Adam and Noor,
the ultimate decision
has been taken.
Both families are happy
to go ahead.
I don’t know how you did this
at the age of 18, man. I’m 25 and I’m freaking out. If I did it, you can do it. Just be yourself, be happy,
be calm, relax. -All right.
-Everything will be okay. [SPEAKING ARABIC] [IN ENGLISH] In the name
of Prophet Muhammad, do you give Adam permission
to marry your daughter? I give permission. [ALL SPEAKING ARABIC] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] ADAM: [IN ENGLISH]
Stop, stop, stop, stop
Chill, chill. This is… This is just weird. I need to get out
of this situation, man. This is getting way too serious. Guys, I have
a confession to make. This is not actually
a real arranged marriage.This is something that I did
to see what goes on.
And the reason
for that is because
I wanna take a deeper look.
When I was at the ice-cream
place with my “wife”,it was a crazy experience
because it all felt so real.
This is something serious for me because I do wanna
get married soon.I just wanted to experience
what my brothers, you know,
went through.
I am 25, and I will
be married soon. I’ve always been blind
to this arranged marriage,
you know, stuff. Anytime my mom, my dad
will talk about it with me, I would literally ignore it. But now, after this whole
journey that I had, I will consider maybe having
an arranged marriage.It’s more about trust,it’s more about long-term,
you know? Not just having
someone temporary. This is about being
with someone forever, and that’s an amazing
once you’re ready. NARRATOR:Modern marriage
is based on a huge assumption,
that it makes sense to base
our actions on our feelings.
But this is to ignore the
traditional basis of marriage:
reason based on long-term
calm thinking.
After all, sexual passion
doesn’t last forever.
And you could always grow
to like someone you didn’t
think much of at first sight.
With values, background
and status that are aligned,
you might even end up
being the best of friends.
It’s a hugely provocative
thought for our times,
but isn’t a marriage
that isn’t blinded
by lust and passion
more likely to be
a marriage that lasts?
What do you think?Should Adam marry
someone he doesn’t love,
but with whom he might have
a great lifelong friendship?
Leave your comments below.If you’ve enjoyed this episode
on marriage as much as I did, make sure you guys check out
the rest of the series here on The School of Life
YouTube channel. See ya soon. [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

100 comments found

  1. I Do not force Adam but it could be good if he marry a Mexican wife that knows Spanish and English and that will eat a lot of hot stuff

  2. Hey look it's the guy who faked a air line hate prank pretending to be a terror ist for that racially motivated hate bait… On school of life. Makes sense quality content as always.

  3. The foundation of marriage is a long term effect between the two and their upbringings.

    The rationale should outweigh the emotional side of things because love isn't defined as falling for material/looks/money etc. Rather, it is so that one cannot live without the other. Fact is, women are more emotional than men so men must have emotional maturity. Men are sustainers and thus women must have courage.

  4. The last thing I expected from school of life, to do such video, this is so misleading.
    Arranged marriage is like the marriage based on lust and desire, just for the sake of getting married two people coming together. This is so not right.

  5. He's lying again. He did this a few years ago. Made us think he's getting married. He does this just for views and to make money. Ppl he have just sold their souls to da devil…

  6. True love is after marriage.. Adam saleh hurry up and get married we wanna see your wedding ๐Ÿ‘ฐ and your kids I know you gonna be a good husband in shaa Allah.

  7. Im being invited to this weeding believe or not guys even though I dont know this man thats how the arabic community works ๐Ÿ˜‚ I went to his brothers wedding.

  8. Iโ€™m Laotian and Mexican so, back in the old country where my Lao grandparents are from, some or not many Lao people tend to do arranged marriages like other Asian nationalities do. My Hmong aunt along with her family forced her and herself to marry my uncle from my dadโ€™s side and he now lets her control him, she works at a hospital and also what I know too is that she verbally abused my mom when she was pregnant with my older brother (severely autistic and now in his 20s) and my grandmother before she passed of her diabetic complication 13 years ago. She even took out an insurance policy illegally on my other uncle before he passed couple of years ago of a murder incident. Arranged marriage is scary knowing that the person that you or anybody was arranged with can take advantage in never the right way can abuse your family when theyโ€™re very old, disabled and sick. It happens in every parts of the country.

  9. Sometimes the love comes in a different way like to be economically stable and to love that! The option I took five years ago

  10. Not even going to watch this, I recently made a comment on a different video that I also didnโ€™t watch because of the title… the answer is no, no you shouldnโ€™t and you know full well you didnโ€™t need to be told that

  11. ู‡ู‡ู‡ู‡ู‡ู‡ู‡ู‡ู‡ู‡ ุตุญูƒู†ูŠ ู…ุง ุจุด ุจูŠ ุธุญูƒู‡

  12. Adam you are very good human being amd we need more like you Allaha has made you a good person please stay the way hes has made you. I love you lots and you have all the respect in the world from me. I think you should get arrange marriage as the respect is more and your parents will have more blessings. Your their son and you should respect their wishes too remember what i told you ' you only get ur mum and dad once intil we see them again. When they are not around at least u can say u was a good son to them, and they will bless you with love. Im single too and i need to find a huaband seriously i mite end up getting arrange marriage too but i have no parents to help me so it will be harder for me. And easier for u, as u have mum and dad please fullfill their wishes. U can email me anytime you like will be nice to talk to you luv you with all my heart and remember dont date a girl as they dont be pure, and our culture girls should be pure when having arrange marriage becus you havent been married i think you should have an arrange marrige to a pure girl whos lives at home and is decent to respect your family too make sure ur wife to be keeps ur full family respect and urs too and she is good at heart Pray to Allaha you will be happy and soon it will happen. Tc my lovely. Luv to hear from you. God bless you mashallah you are so beautiful tc

  13. This lady looks too old for u adam why dont i have Muslim wife or indian wife. Adam she aint pure if u know wat i mean an arrange marrige means purity . She obviously has had partners be carful luv

  14. Advice? I donโ€™t love myself, so how can I love myself???? Iโ€™ll croak like tis? Iโ€™m 26 on Same East Coast!!!๐Ÿ˜“๐Ÿ˜“๐Ÿ˜“

  15. At 1:33 When the narrator says medieval people didn't care about love in marriage is such a Victorian era myth it's not even funny. In fact in most places in Europe only the consent of the man and wife were required. It's akin to the myth that medieval people didn't wash themselves when they clearly cared about cleanliness.

  16. Relationship advice from Muslims….
    basketball lessons from Mexicans…
    football lessons from Koreans….
    OKAY ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
    I like my relationship advice to have a little less decapitations involved

  17. When he said stop at 8:41 I thought he was going to say itโ€™s a prank in front everyone๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  18. Im glad that was NOT the real thing just yet cuz she looked older than him ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

  19. His brother says "this love at first sight stuff goes away after a month, a year.. thats why u let ur parents pick them for u and u build the relationship"… bihh what?! Lmao I get thats the culture but very dumb logic

  20. here is a faulty statement, it's not a marriage based on logic, it's a marriage based on OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINION about our lives (parents). So we are proposed here to leave OUR logic (and feelings) to the bin, and accept SOME RELATIVES' opinion on who should we spend our lives, with!

    So here comes the actual question: Do you prefer to choose your mate – thus the person to be with you for a lifetime – with your own mind and heart, feelings and opinion, OR you would like to leave this responsibility that will totally affect your life, to some relatives of yours?

    Personally, I would like to get their opinion but make the choice by myself.

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