Tj Host

Wedding Ideas & Inspiration
Whitney Cummings – I Love You – Marriage & Sex

Whitney Cummings – I Love You – Marriage & Sex


Love makes you think about
doing things you never thought you’d do before, you know?
Like, getting married. I thought
I was gonna get married. For me, I never thought
I was gonna get married ’cause I have all this divorce
in my family, you know? I also think when you get
older as a woman, marriage just becomes
a little more appealing, ’cause marriage
is set up for girls as an offer that you
just cannot refuse. If someone came up to me
on the street randomly, and marriage as an
institution, did not exist, and someone was just like,
“Excuse me ma’am. Hi, um, would you be interested
in a beautiful diamond ring? And a bunch of parties
where your friends will buy you whatever the
( bleep ) you want? And then you get to move
into somebody else’s house and get on their health
insurance plan. And then
if they cheat on you, you get half their shit,
no questions asked… would you be
interested in that?” Yeah, man, yeah, yeah. How do I get
all that shit? Well, you just have to
have sex with the same man for the rest of your life. Ohhh. You know what? ( Bleep ) it.
I have Tylenol PM. Let’s do this shit.
Where do I sign up? ( GIGGLES ) It’s not that we love you. We just want
shit, okay? It’s the same thing with sex. Like, we don’t always
have sex with you guys because we like
want that ( bleep ). No! No! Okay? Half the time
I have sex with a guy, it’s because
it burns calories. ( APPLAUSE ) I’m like oh, God.
I had that lasagna today… I don’t have time to go
to the gym, so… I should probably
just ( bleep ) this guy. ( SIGHS ) But I really go for it,
you know. I wear a terrycloth headband
and ankle weights. I get in there…

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